Cardiophobia.
Who cares what it means?
Im free. Im here. I'm alive.
I'm perfectly able to wake up to the dawn and lose myself till I have to be alone again.
And guess what?
Thats perfectly okay.
Hello 2008. You fucked me up so bad, I can't live without you.
You fucked me up so bad, you made me forget how to feel.
And I forgot how important that was; numbness.
This isn't self pitying or sad. This is just me, being content.
And free.
I love tragedy.
Because some people just like to watch the world burn.
Because some people just like to watch themselves burn.
Content
Bitch.
Have you ever dug your own grave, only to hesitate to step into it?
And when someone else pushes you into it, you blame them?
No, I think I dug this hole for myself ages ago. I've been living with this hole next to me.
Someone cover me up with dirt already.
Insomnia(c)
Everythings just a little harder for me these days.
Its not about an education system I can't even begin to understand.
Nor is it about a certain boy asleep on my bed.
Its not about the other boy who won't look me in the eye anymore either.
Or friends who care, then don't, then do again.
......or my constantly empty wallet....
Its more of the clash between the unwelcomed past and a very, very blur future.
Directions are thrown aside and, I'm not even going with the flow anymore. The static in my feet is back, and I'm stuck this time. This time, by choice.
I have faith that it's another one of those storms that happen in the mind, and tears your "happy thoughs" apart until you're left clinging on to any shred of happiness you can find.
Sometimes, you dont even realise this storm that comes and goes.
Mostly, it hits you when you're sitting in a bathroom, letting your mind wander into itself, or when you're waiting for a bus or train, burning the hours and minutes in front of a digital advertisement board. Sometimes, its when you're supposed to be doing everything else thats "important" (work, assignments...) and at the worst times, you become aware.
In the process of cleaning up this storm of thoughts, you get angry, agitated and ultimately, hopeless until you start blaming everyone and everything around you ;
your education/work
your boyfriend,
your ex-boyfriend
your parents
your friends
your constantly empty wallet....
There is simply no way in hell I will blame this on anyone.
Not even myself.
Because people, suck it up. It's life....it's a tad bit fairer than death, lets hope.
And there IS nothing to blame on anyone. You are the storm and the only voice inside your head that beats yourself up when you do bad, and soaks up the glory when you do good.
Someone "wise" (wise, with a PhD) told me to "Surround yourself with happy, successful, positive people and you will prevail."
I wish to throw a gigantic porcupine in his face and tell him that Mommy taught him wrong. And so did his institutional religion (his refrences to the bible made me nauseous )
Because, I hold strong to the saying "Those who can't do, teach."
I tend to look at this in a negative manner for the most part, but one day as I was sitting on a toilet in a train station watching a digital advertisement while doing my assignments, it hit me that you can learn the most beautiful and unexpected things from utter failures.
Because these people who fail again and again, whom your spit on and discriminate, and laugh at behind or in front of their backs, may never do what you can. But they sure as hell taught you what you could't do.
So swallow your egos, because if you think you've made it, realize its only for a day.
Chronophobia
Chronophobia is fear of the passing of time, or more generally of time itself. Those who suffer from chronophobia percieve the immensity of time differently from others. It is characterised by panic, anxiety, and claustrophobia. Also known as prison neurosis, it's perhaps the most common anxiety disorder in prison inmates. Aren't we all prisoners of our own minds?
Good morning/night. Sunlight doesn't really make sense to me anymore.
Living with no sense of time. What a life, if you can call this living.
I still recall waiting, as I always am and probably always will be.
Happy 2010. So much has changed for me. Yet it's all still the same.
I still have the same fears and (lack of) faith in everything and everyone around me.
Whats new is that, I now have a certificate saying "I have a legit brain" which will get me into a proper uni, land me a 9 to 5 desk job, meet a guy, turn 40 soon enough, prioritize and give into reality.
Living away from home took me away from all these childish worries, but being back here eventually makes me feel less in transit and more rooted to what I thought was a dream I shook off, a long time ago.
Being in this house is a lot like losing my religion. I keep going back to it, to hate it and find every flaw, but the sheer fact that I acknowledge it means I'm giving it life. And I hate that about myself. Amongst many other things.
In this rooom, its always 2008. But todays one of the better days.
Whirlwind. My thoughts are in a better place now, so lost in the transit that they've probably collided into each other and exploded, much like how you see 2010 being made in the sky.
My world has lost its sense of gravity and I'm not sure if im holding on or falling off anymore.
I loved, and realised that "love" is an empty word.
I learned that love is momentous and you can love a stranger as much as you love your mother,under the right circumstances.
I learned that there are probably no such things as second chances. There is only a first time for everything new.
And sex isn't that great.
I learned that time is relative, but I will never die.
And that I must see the Nothern Lights before I.....
People and places are like a slow paced drama to me...a mundane 50's soap opera. Things are happening....but so passively it feels as if its a silent movie and I'm the single transfixed audience watching the actors go on with their muted dilemmas.
That said, I am the single most unsatisfiable girl in the world.
Happy 2010. You're all only 2 years closer to apocalypse now :)
Orchard Road, Singapore.
Orchard Road, Singapore.
From my class trip to Cambodia last month. A few of the best days of my life. Friends, sights, and marijuana?
Click here to view these images in my gallery
Good morning/night. Sunlight doesn't really make sense to me anymore.
Living with no sense of time. What a life, if you can call this living.
I still recall waiting, as I always am and probably always will be.
Happy 2010. So much has changed for me. Yet it's all still the same.
I still have the same fears and (lack of) faith in everything and everyone around me.
Whats new is that, I now have a certificate saying "I have a legit brain" which will get me into a proper uni, land me a 9 to 5 desk job, meet a guy, turn 40 soon enough, prioritize and give into reality.
Living away from home took me away from all these childish worries, but being back here eventually makes me feel less in transit and more rooted to what I thought was a dream I shook off, a long time ago.
Being in this house is a lot like losing my religion. I keep going back to it, to hate it and find every flaw, but the sheer fact that I acknowledge it means I'm giving it life. And I hate that about myself. Amongst many other things.
In this rooom, its always 2008. But todays one of the better days.
Whirlwind. My thoughts are in a better place now, so lost in the transit that they've probably collided into each other and exploded, much like how you see 2010 being made in the sky.
My world has lost its sense of gravity and I'm not sure if im holding on or falling off anymore.
I loved, and realised that "love" is an empty word.
I learned that love is momentous and you can love a stranger as much as you love your mother,under the right circumstances.
I learned that there are probably no such things as second chances. There is only a first time for everything new.
And sex isn't that great.
I learned that time is relative, but I will never die.
And that I must see the Nothern Lights before I.....
People and places are like a slow paced drama to me...a mundane 50's soap opera. Things are happening....but so passively it feels as if its a silent movie and I'm the single transfixed audience watching the actors go on with their muted dilemmas.
That said, I am the single most unsatisfiable girl in the world.
Happy 2010. You're all only 2 years closer to apocalypse now :)
Orchard Road, Singapore.
Orchard Road, Singapore.
From my class trip to Cambodia last month. A few of the best days of my life. Friends, sights, and marijuana?
Click here to view these images in my gallery
